Hyper suspish: Extremely concerned and distrustful of everyone and everything. That’s my new word that says I am exceedingly defensive about small things.
The small things feel like big things. My self improvement is what got me here, but I have reached a place where things within my head are in flux, and my heart is still being mended. Intense waves of pain in my stomach and my head spins, my heart beats like the wings of a hummingbird. I try to meditate, as I am just trying this method to reassociate my senses by appealing to them with feelings of safety and intensions of direction. I’m trying new things that I have not tried before, thinking ways I have not thought before.
I have always scoffed at yoga and meditations because it was truly my least favorite thing to do. As a young athlete I would have been a completely different athlete had I taken advantage of the time on the mat. As an adult in recovery, this is a point I want to target for releasing of anger, trauma, and overall health. This is being proactive. The method of “from the bottom up,” I spoke of in my last blog, has to do with this extremely hard skill that I am in desperate need of learning. Redirecting emotions still have to be directed to something. Feelings are going to manifest and flow, where I go from there is the difficult part. Besides which dealing with people at all is a skill in itself, it’s a necessity, and not everyone is in recovery.
My limits have and will be tested. I am no one any better than anyone else. I am on a similar path of many before me. The path to freedom. The path to letting go. The path to something greater. Things that shouldn’t cause the reactions are being poured into the open. I stumbled. I put off and received nothing but anger towards myself and those around me. I am ashamed. I hate having to set boundaries, but even when you set them, they may not be received as intended. I’m not one that is able to “put my BEST foot forward.” I put everything forward. BOOM. “Hi, I’m Julie. I am an alcoholic, oh was that too soon?, oh and I am in the midst of a giant turning point in my life…..oh I’m sorry….” I have been fighting it my entire life. I didn’t realize that every teenager on the planet thinks the world is looking at them and everything they say is awkward and makes no sense. I’m still that teenager.
There are things about me that I would hope could be appreciated or admired, but there are days I just want to scream into the echo chamber……….
and what I hear back…
from the distant
but not so far away future me….
“It’s all going to be ok. You are not alone.”
“Keep going, you’re on the right track.”
“Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers.”Unknown