Being complacent in life is inevitably going to lead to a stagnant slow death. Without reason to do more than just survive in life, you are accepting your life as it is. Why wouldn’t anyone want to move past a point in life that has left them feeling powerless and stuck?

If only it were that easy.

Hi, I’m Julie. I was assaulted.

Hi, I’m Julie. I’m an alcoholic.

Hi, I’m Julie. I was a victim of narcissistic abuse.

Hi, I’m Julie. I used to swim, but then I was a disappointment.

Hi, I’m Julie. I have liver disease.

I had years of feeling like I should warn people, or explain to them why I am the way I am. Then they would understand if I freaked out and started crying for no reason, or maybe I might have a panic attack and choke or get dry mouth, or what if they think I’m just a little strange. The anxiety was crippling and irrational.

My love affair with alcohol began.

When I drank I was able to simultaneously let my guard down and momentarily feel free from the load baring weight of my uncontrollable fear. Whether I chose to deal with something head on, or linger in the experience far too long, my brain lives there. My brain keeps me there, just in case. Retraining your brain to associate a feeling with something from the present that appeals to at least 3 of the five senses. This practice that can ultimately change the way your body reacts to stress. It makes sense that you have to retrain your chemical reactions to experiences in order to process new experiences and grow.

So today is Mother’s Day, 2021. It is May 9, and I have been on this path of recovery for 1 year 9 months, and 4 days. I showered, I drank coffee, I made my bed, and I was appreciated. Without change we cannot progress. We need to think beyond our fears and strive to continue becoming.

“Dissociation is the essence of trauma as it makes the experience split off and fragmented so that emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations related to the trauma take a life of their own. These fragments intrude into the present and are relived.”

Van Der Kolk,M.D., Bessel. The Body Keeps The Score, workbook, pg.14-15.. PookeTBooks, 2020.

One thought on “Recovery is not acceptance

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